Coming up short.

It isn't the pill of defeat that I find hard to swallow. Defeat is an essential part to bigger things, a stepping stone towards victory and success. Defeat gives us the chance to reevaluate our actions and tweak on our attitudes to improve. I'm not a sore loser, I know that winning isn't everything and that failure isn't final. No..... it's a feeling I can't quiet bring myself to explain at first. After an afternoon of pondering and questioning, I finally sniffed out the root of all those negative thoughts.

Losing my opportunity.

 

I couldn't care less for the glamor of winning or the proud faces I could make that comes with winning. No, I was feeling all negative about it because I had lost a good opportunity, no, a great one in fact. If I had qualified, I could have gone for a wonderful trip destination- Langkawi to bring my athletic prowess to the next level, a level that I've been yearning for. If only I had pumped that last leg of the race, if only i had pushed myself a little more, if only I had been defiant when that runner took my from behind. Oh gosh, when can I replace all these 'if's' with reality?    

I'm usually an optimistic person, always looking on the bright side of things, drawing positives from the negatives and striding towards difficulty with a goofy smile on my face. But today, that side of me has been given a pretty good beating. Not only had I let my coach down, I've let myself down too. That's the flipside when it comes to setting goals, and motivating yourself with them. When they don't turn out, you'll take a punch straight in the ambitious side of your brain. A punch that'll warn you not to step up again and stay down where you are.

And it pains me even further when I see quite a number of my friends qualify for the race. Don't get me wrong, I genuinely feel happy for them and their achievements, they've made our school proud. But their victory begs the question in my conscious that constantly asks :" When are you going to be like them? When are you gonna do something amazing?" A very demoralizing question indeed, but it's still there, and I can't ignore the reality of it. I hate sitting at home, goofing around while they have the time of their lives, time I could be spending as well.

I love running, it bonds me with my skinny legs, the wind in your face, the asphalt and dirt beneath your feet, the feeling that I derive from it is just amazing. I don't plan on slowing down or giving up, but maybe it's time I analyzed this from a different angle. Even the brightest stars run out of gas sometime in their lives, I feel outta steam right now, loss for enthusiasm. Some time to recuperate my sensse will do me good.