Growing Pains.

   Cutthroat silence filled the room, our twitching ears ringing at the lack of the usual hubbub and everyday hustle of school. The loud conversations, unfriendly remarks, witty jokes, all silenced at that moment. We were hunched over on our tables, disbelieving the contents that our exam papers have presented us. Some of us were deep in thought, concentrating hard on the task at hand. Others were peering left and right, winking and signalling to anyone kind enough to offer them salvation. It was a battlefield of sorts, a long, silent battlefield. Where knowledge was power and defeat usually meant a tough time in the future.

   I sat there, my answer sheet filled and shaded to whatever I knew on the topic. Checking it time and time again, making sure that every doubt I had about the paper had been cleared. Finally, satisfied with my half-baked answers, I closed the sheet and plopped my head on the desk, letting my thoughts flutter to wherever they see fit. I was jolted awake by a booming voice. The preschool next door was having some sort of ceremony, and with any ceremony, our national anthem was there to kick it off.
   
   The familiar opening melody of our national anthem opened up and then the singing began. The enthusiastic and high-pitched voice of hundreds of preschool children filled the air. I could see the annoyed faces of some of my peers who were still busy with they're papers. And so, I sat there, listening intently to the piercing sound of pre-puberty girls and boys singing their hearts out. Their voices so loud, so eager, like they were all competing for a prize. Even though I couldn't see them, I could picture their smiling faces, jolly to be singing anything at all.


  I fondly remember the time when i was like that, so full of life, so oblivious to all the problems of the world. I enjoyed every little thing with a smile on my face and laughed at the silliest things. As I take a good look at the people around me, I realize that I wasn't the only one. As we all aged into puberty, we seemed to lost the zest that we all had as children, that desire to explore and touch everything. That never-ending optimism we had towards everything and anything we do. Laughing it off as we went on our way.


  I'm realistic enough not to dabble in this destructive nostalgia. But it does pose an interesting concept about growing up. Does growing up necessarily mean letting go of the little things that made us happy as a child? Many at times, my friends would throw a comment at me, calling me childish and asking me to grow up. Grow up? I believe growing up is nothing but an abstract. We never grow up, we just learn how behave in public and accept responsibilities under our stride.


  Nowadays, whenever I happen to stumble across children, I smile fondly to myself at the thought of them. So innocent, so enthusiastic, so.... happy. It almost pains me to see them grow up and face the realities of the world today. 

Post-exam blues

               The music from my radio was blaring, books and notes were strewn across my study table, covering it like a cloth made out of paper and ink. My stationaries were jumbled amongst the mess too, each one of them begging for their shot at making their master proud. I stared blankly at the mass of words printed out, aiming only to memorise and not understand. Cramming every piece of relevant information I could in the limited time I had. My head was throbbing, saturated with and dripping wet with all the information inside. I was stressed, worn out and generally deprived of my gaming. Such was the case for me during the last 3 weeks of my dreaded examinations.

“Blasted exams..” I muttered.

                You’d think that the second my exams were over that I’d be leaping with joy, hopping around, yelling profanities, flipping tables and whacking my friends like for no good reason. Come to think of it, I expected that too. During the 3 miserable weeks of my examinations, I couldn’t wait for it to be over. I kept telling myself that once I finish these exams, I’m home free! Free to do as I please and relish in all my gaming privileges. But for some unexplainable reason, when the countdown for the last exam started, I felt nothing. No joy. No relief. Nothing at all. What an anticlimax.

                Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the much awaited hours of gaming. My fingers fleeted with joy across the keyboard as I was reunited with the much awaited world of virtual interactivity. Time spent relaxing around the house has also done wonders for my mood and my complexion. But something niggled at the back of my mind (that happens a lot), I didn’t feel somewhat… happy, which was exactly what I expected to feel as I gamed and spent time fooling around with my friends. I expected something… happier.

                Maybe it was the thought of the impeding SPM examinations that stirred my emotional well-being. Or maybe this was something permanent. Does finishing my SPM examinations guarantee that I’d feel a surge of happiness from dropping that massive load as a student? Or will the cycle just repeat itself, just like my mid-terms? I thought that I’d have a blasted good time after a big exam, dropping off my load and being care-free. But no, it just feels like one big cycle waiting to repeat itself over and over again.

                I always believed that happiness was a light at the end of a tunnel. That I’d be happy and blissful once I achieve success and make loads of money for my wife and kids. But lately, I’ve been seriously doubting that belief. Maybe success isn’t the key to happiness, maybe happiness is the key to success. Maybe it’s in the food we eat, the bed we sleep, the friends we make and the life we live. Maybe happiness isn’t some unreachable light at the end of a tunnel, maybe it’s everywhere around us.

                But alas, such a daunting question requires much more time to think about. Don’t worry mum, I’ll 

 still study for my SPM’s.