The music from my radio was blaring, books and notes were
strewn across my study table, covering it like a cloth made out of paper and
ink. My stationaries were jumbled amongst the mess too, each one of them
begging for their shot at making their master proud. I stared blankly at the
mass of words printed out, aiming only to memorise and not understand. Cramming
every piece of relevant information I could in the limited time I had. My head
was throbbing, saturated with and dripping wet with all the information inside.
I was stressed, worn out and generally deprived of my gaming. Such was the case
for me during the last 3 weeks of my dreaded examinations.
“Blasted
exams..” I muttered.
You’d
think that the second my exams were over that I’d be leaping with joy, hopping
around, yelling profanities, flipping tables and whacking my friends like for
no good reason. Come to think of it, I expected that too. During the 3
miserable weeks of my examinations, I couldn’t wait for it to be over. I kept
telling myself that once I finish these exams, I’m home free! Free to do as I
please and relish in all my gaming privileges. But for some unexplainable
reason, when the countdown for the last exam started, I felt nothing. No joy.
No relief. Nothing at all. What an anticlimax.
Don’t
get me wrong, I appreciate the much awaited hours of gaming. My fingers fleeted
with joy across the keyboard as I was reunited with the much awaited world of
virtual interactivity. Time spent relaxing around the house has also done
wonders for my mood and my complexion. But something niggled at the back of my
mind (that happens a lot), I didn’t feel somewhat… happy, which was exactly
what I expected to feel as I gamed and spent time fooling around with my
friends. I expected something… happier.
Maybe
it was the thought of the impeding SPM examinations that stirred my emotional
well-being. Or maybe this was something permanent. Does finishing my SPM
examinations guarantee that I’d feel a surge of happiness from dropping that
massive load as a student? Or will the cycle just repeat itself, just like my
mid-terms? I thought that I’d have a blasted good time after a big exam,
dropping off my load and being care-free. But no, it just feels like one big
cycle waiting to repeat itself over and over again.
I
always believed that happiness was a light at the end of a tunnel. That I’d be
happy and blissful once I achieve success and make loads of money for my wife
and kids. But lately, I’ve been seriously doubting that belief. Maybe success
isn’t the key to happiness, maybe happiness is the key to success. Maybe it’s
in the food we eat, the bed we sleep, the friends we make and the life we live.
Maybe happiness isn’t some unreachable light at the end of a tunnel, maybe it’s
everywhere around us.
But
alas, such a daunting question requires much more time to think about. Don’t
worry mum, I’ll
still study for my SPM’s.
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